Tony, Karl and Harriet’s Excellent Adventure

by Joe Eskenazi on March 26, 2007

These days, Tony Snow has a look in his eyes normally reserved for men about to wrench off their wedding rings and fling them to the center of a poker table. And who can blame him? Answering for Bush & Co. is beginning to more closely resemble the “Kobayashi Maru,” a no-win-scenario battle simulation from “Star Trek.” As the shield levels of Snow’s protective crest of hair weaken under a constant barrage from the White House Press Corps, the president’s spokesman must be wondering which button he has to hit to beam himself back to the private sector.

The firing of the “Alberto Gonzalez Eight” has taken the spotlight away from the erstwhile blizzards of Snow logic. For example, Snow claimed that when President Bush stood beneath the “Mission Accomplished” banner on the U.S.S Abraham Lincoln, he was actually warning that the mission was far from accomplished.

While grandiose, this kind of garden-variety turning of the past on its head is nothing new. Hell, Winston Smith made his living doing it in “1984.” But you have to hand it to Snow and Co.; thanks to his former employers at Fox News, the current administration has been able to act upon its heartfelt ideals and privatize the Ministry of Truth.

But now we are witnessing something truly special. Make no mistake, these are Snow’s halcyon days. When last week he was asked whether it was Karl Rove or Harriet Miers who pushed firing not eight but all 93 U.S. attorneys, Snow reverted to the argumentative form utilized by any cornered philosophy major (and Snow does indeed possess a philosophy degree.)

He used — semantics! Said Snow, “The question is, does it matter? Does it matter who comes up with an idea?”

I believe the U.S. Patent Office would reply that, yes, it often does, but let’s not worry about that now.

Note how Snow didn’t refer to the specific idea but an idea. Very clever! Does it really matter who comes up with an idea?

What is an idea? When you get down to it, it’s just a bunch of chemicals pulsing around someone’s brain. Do we really want to delve into a bunch of chemicals in someone’s brain?

Are you saying you want me to reach into a jar and pull out a wet, dripping brain here in the White House press room? You want me to shout questions to a disembodied brain? And now you’re demanding I pull out a specific brain? What kind of sick individual are you?

Still, these sick folks in the Democratic party are demanding answers, so the White House is determined to give it to them — in the form of Rove and Miers testifying before a closed-door session of Congress with no transcript and no oaths administered. This, as Bush and Snow repeatedly inform us, is a “generous offer” – a phrase they utilize with such frequency we can only imagine the royalty checks Ehud Barak is racking up.

And here we reach an impasse. The Bush White House, averse to ceding an inch of executive power, sees this as a beneficent move. The Democratic leadership (and as you would expect in a case about secret testimony – the press) do not.

Lou Dobbs, incidentally, weighed in to offer a pox on everyone’s house – and summer house – and then got back to work on his new project: designing an internal combustion engine that runs on Mexican immigrants.

So, as much as we’d enjoy watching Tony Snow attempt to solve government crises with word games, I feel that it’s my patriotic duty to step in and solve the problem.

Here’s my generous offer: Send Rove and Miers to Guantanamo Bay.

Where else could the lucky twosome go that allows secret testimony and even more secret – shall we say –questioning techniques?

Of course, John Yoo will have to get back to us on which varieties of power-sanders are acceptable during interrogations and which aren’t. But either way, Rove and Miers can rest easy. If they don’t say a thing, the nation will rejoice in their innocence – and all they’ll have lost is the ability to walk in a pain-free, fluid manner or sleep through the night without those horrible, horrible blowtorch dreams.

And if they squeal, that’s fine too. No one gave any credence to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitting he planned 9/11, “Cop Rock” or the New Coke, so why should Karl Rove’s confession be any different?

Look, President Bush is an amazing man. He managed to make the world feel sorry for Saddam Hussein. Now he can try to do the same with Rove.

Either way, Rove and Miers should be off to the Caribbean for an indefinite vacation.

Besides, who can resist that ad campaign: “What happens in GitMo stays in GitMo. “

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