The National Rifle Association (NRA) is right: Guns don’t kill people, people do. And if everyone had a gun, people wouldn’t get killed. Because everyone would be afraid to attack anyone else.
Imagine how safe the world would be. If I saw someone about to snatch someone’s wallet from his pocket, say on a crowded street, I would simply shoot him. Of course there might be a little collateral damage. If someone were wandering around my patio when he shouldn’t be, my trusty metal friend would get rid of him in a hurry. And maybe the bothersome neighbor doing his gardening as well.
It’s not as if anyone would miss a bad guy. Someone who’d snatch a baby from a car or an SUV from a parking lot can’t have family or friends who’d give a damn if he ended up on a slab in the city morgue. Likewise for that kid who grabbed a bag of chips from the corner grocery. He won’t be needing snacks where he’s going.
It makes sense that having more weapons on the planet would solve all of our problems. If some country invades another, the playing field would be level if everyone in both countries had guns. Then everyone could defend themselves against everyone else. Why would anybody dare to step over anyone else’s border? Unless of course they had bigger guns or nuclear weapons.
Think of how good all those guns would be for the economy. With all those gun sales, the arms manufacturers could have the best lobbyists in D.C. They could advocate for all sorts of beneficial measures, such as protecting the rights of people to slaughter every animal on the planet. For sport and food, that is. Who needs Bambi creeping around the picnic grounds when he could be roasting on a grill or hanging in someone’s den?
Good old American competitiveness would boost the sale of arms of all sorts. If everyone had an ordinary old gun, then someone would want a semiautomatic, just to be one up on the next guy. Pretty soon, lots of people would have semiautomatics. Then someone would get a faster and more powerful weapon to top everyone else on the block who merely had semiautomatics. Gotta keep ahead of the Jones.
Eventually neighborhood associations would have nuclear weapons and universities would keep weapons of mass destruction on hand for those students who get all psycho.
Cities would employ Star Wars-type satellite defense systems to zap perverts having sex in parks or vagrants sleeping on the sidewalks. Not to be left behind, the feds would develop photon torpedoes (a la Star Trek). The next time the mayor of San Francisco decides to defy the law and allow Mormons to have more than one wife, the president could order the problem taken care of. The advantage of photon torpedoes is that they don’t leave behind messy bodies or partially standing buildings.
Gun control is for sissies.
Tommi Avicolli Mecca is a radical, southern Italian, working-class, atheist queer performer and writer whose work can be viewed at www.avicollimecca.com.Filed under: Archive